Editor’s Note: This guest blog post was submitted by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner, who wrote it during their adoption journey for his blog, Consulting & Counseling. With his gracious permission, we have the privilege to feature this honest, relatable piece on our own blog. We hope you find his words helpful and encouraging.
Melicia and I have committed to engaging on this platform often enough to document our story and keep others informed along the path, so it’s time for another update. We want others – whether you’re going through a similar situation or not – to be able to understand what we’re thinking and what’s going on along the way, rather than when we look back at the end. Hindsight’s 20/20, but there’s also a temptation for some revisionist history along the way if don’t stay in the moment. So, here goes – we’re in a new stage of waiting and here’s what that’s like:
We are officially “active” with our adoption agency! This means we are eligible to be matched with a situation that our agency brings to our attention. Once we’re notified of an [expectant] mother situation, we are able to say “yes” or “no” and then the [expectant] mother will choose from all active couples who say “yes” to the situation, thereby forming a match.
In this stage, a couple of ideas are running through our minds. First, we want to say “yes” to everything. We’ve got a lot of love to give and this has been a long process. The end starts to seem like it could be near. Second, we realize we can’t say “yes” to everything. Our adoption agency has been very helpful in providing some topics we need to discuss in advance so that we can be prepared to quickly say “yes” or “no” when that email comes through. Though not an exhaustive list, topics include:
Are we equipped for the immediate medical needs of the baby? This means mentally and emotionally, but even financially – and especially geographically, what medical and childcare services are available where we live?
Are we equipped culturally and socially for the needs of the baby? Do we have people and resources in our life to support a child who may come from a different cultural or ethnic background than ours?
Are we equipped for the long-term developmental needs of the baby? Given what’s known at the time, do we have access to the necessary kinds of education and specialized schooling the child may need? If not, would we be in a position to change our circumstances?
These are hard questions because we never want to say “no,” but we have to understand and be honest with ourselves when we’re not the best option for this baby. It would be selfish to ignore that truth and say “yes” when it’s unwise to do so. If you’re going through the adoption process and haven’t been exposed to these kinds of considerations, please reach out and we’d love to share what we’ve learned in more detail.
And then we get to those situations where we do say “yes.” After that, we just wait – we hope and pray that we’re chosen. That brings me to the third idea running through our minds these days. We want so badly to plead our case as to why we should be chosen. “Look at our profile book! Look! We’re a perfect fit! We satisfy the exact needs in this situation – no need to stress over the decision!” If only we could say that, we might be chosen…
…but that’s not the way it works.
For good reason, we cannot plead our case. We have to remember that this process is not designed for our benefit. It is for the child and then it is for the [expectant] mother. We ought not place undue pressure on a birth mother when an ideal resolution is full restoration and a unified family. This world is a broken place, but we should not desire another broken family so that ours can be full. To do so would be inconsiderate, un-Christlike, and unethical. Instead, we are simply experiencing a different kind of waiting – one where even though we’re waiting for something different, we are once again left waiting to trust the Lord’s will, timing, and provision.
*Post contributed by adoptive father, Joseph Tanner .
Read more about Joseph & Melicia’s story by visiting Joseph’s blog, Consulting & Counseling.